So, a funny thing happened on the way to the COVID-19 pandemic: My foot stopped working after back surgery.
Hilarious, right?
You know what’s even funnier? Being alone so much that the phrase ‘My loneliness is killing me’ pops into your head. Googling those words reminded me they were part of the lyrics from Britney Spears ‘One More Time’. Of course, Britney Spears is now the philosopher in my head.
Seriously, though…my long and painful recovery from two back surgeries has been incredibly hard. After weeks of being home alone and in pain, it did feel like loneliness was killing me. I never would have predicted that in a few weeks, most of the rest of the country would also be at home grappling with uncertainty and isolation and loneliness.
This is a tale of two stories- my non-functioning foot and the pandemic- and how they wove together in my life.
Fusion #1- December 12, 2019
I planned the timing of this surgery strategically. My intent was to be healed up enough to enjoy P’s club volleyball season, R’s graduation, to help R move and to take P on college visits. I had this carefully crafted plan so I could take part in all of these important life events. I knew the recovery for a fusion is long, so if I didn’t go in for surgery in December, 2019, I might have to wait a couple of years to have it done.
Despite my best efforts, things did not go according to plan.
The December, 2019 surgery did not provide the relief I was seeking. I was in a tremendous amount of pain and the pain never went away. In addition, I now had a condition called ‘foot drop’. No matter how hard I tried, I could not lift the front of my foot up (dorsiflexion). In my case, I developed foot drop due to impingement on the L5 nerve. You cannot walk normally if you have foot drop. If you try to, you will catch your toes on the ground and fall. In my case, I realized I was lifting my leg up at the hip and slapping my foot down on the ground so I wouldn’t fall. Needless to say, walking like that threw off my entire body. It was exhausting and painful.
I spent 15 weeks, from December 12th until March 26th, in my own little isolation hell because the pain was overwhelming and my foot wasn’t working. During those weeks, aside from going to a couple of days of volleyball and to physical therapy, I spent all of my time in my house, in pain and unable to function.
I could barely walk. Sitting and standing were excruciating. I couldn’t go up and down the stairs. I couldn’t carry laundry or use the vacuum cleaner or even make dinner. For a long time I did not even feel safe driving. Wearing a sock or a shoe felt like torture.
When I did attempt to walk for exercise, I could not make it more than a mile. Even then, I sometimes had to take a time out and sit on a park bench. It was painful and exhausting. I tried to console myself by thinking these weeks at home would be a great time to pick up a new hobby. But I could barely focus on anything. Most nights I woke up at 1 am and could not get back to sleep. Sadly, I never came close to being able to paint or knit or whittle voodoo dolls.
Instead of being well-read or crafty, I became incredibly, painfully lonely. Loneliness is bad for our physical and mental health. Being lonely takes a tremendous toll on people, even those who are extremely introverted. The social isolation broke me down bit by bit, day by day. The hardest part of all of this was the uncertainty. I had no idea if I would ever improve. Would the pain go away? Would my foot get better? If so, how long would it take? If not, what would my future look like?
ENTER COVID-19
Oddly enough, there was one thing that seemed interesting enough to follow in the news…this new ‘coronavirus’ thing that was wreaking havoc in China. I couldn’t focus enough to read a book, but news articles are short and the virus seemed like something I should pay attention to.
At first it seemed like COVID-19 was only hitting far away countries. I figured we would eventually have cases here, but I had faith in our government’s ability to contain any potential outbreaks. After all, when Ebola made it to the US it was successfully contained and we have fewer than 10 cases.
Sometime in late February, I knew it was just a matter of time before we had cases of COVID-19 in the US. I also suspected a lot of people were going to be caught off guard and unprepared here. Americans were very complacent as the virus spread around the globe. Given the physical state I was in, I was concerned about how I would take care of my family if anyone got sick, or if my husband was stuck at his essential job for any length of time. I already felt useless and and vulnerable so I knew I needed to plan for the worst and hope for the best.
Since I could not go grocery shopping alone, I ordered some cleaning supplies, including Lysol wipes, and some paper towels and toilet paper. As my supplies showed up on our doorstep, Steve teased me. It was impossible for him to understand my emotional state. However, my fears about people hoarding items quickly came to pass. A couple of weeks later, no one could find hand sanitize, Clorox wipes or toilet paper anywhere. Though he doubted my need to feel prepared, Steve said, “You were right! I won’t make fun of you any more.”
In the midst of my own existential crisis, the world outside of our home was coming unglued. In March, R’s college and P’s high school shut down due to the pandemic. Though we suspected school would be online for the rest of the semester, we all hoped the kids could finish school in person.
Fusion 2 AKA Hit Me Baby One More Time
On March 17, 2020, my surgeon’s office sent me for a repeat MRI to see if they could find a reason for my pain and the foot drop. On March 23, I got a call from my surgeon’s office saying they could clearly see what the problem. The L5 disc was herniated and pressing on the nerve root. The doctor was confident he could fix it, but it meant undergoing another back surgery (this would actually be my third back surgery).
Time was of the essence, though. With COVID-19 now spreading throughout the US, hospitals were forced to shut down for elective surgeries. My surgery was considered ‘essential’, however, because of the loss of function in my leg. My surgeon wanted to do my surgery as soon as possible. I was booked for surgeon to take place on March 26, 2020.
This is where pandemic and back surgery collide, so to speak because March 26th was the day Colorado went on Stay-at-Home orders. Steve and I made the trip to Denver not entirely sure what the orders meant for our family, but we figured if my doctor deemed this surgery as essential, our travel was too.
When we arrived at the hospital, it was clear precautions were being taken very seriously. The admissions area was a ghost town, clearly indicating many surgeries had been cancelled. At check-in, the nurses told Steve he could wait in the car and they would text him when it was time to come get me. He was not allowed in the recovery room.
At 12:30 pm, I had a microdiscectomy with a posterior fusion on my L5-S1. I was released to go home that evening. We wanted to spend as little time as possible at the hospital, anyway, figuring we would be less likely to be exposed to the virus if we spent less time at the hospital.
Fusion #2, the aftermath
The good news is I was in a lot less pain within a day of surgery. Steve said he could see a difference in me right away.
The bad news is my foot still isn’t working. I figured I wasn’t going to leave the hospital ready to run, and I know it can take a long time for nerves to heal. As much as I would have loved to be ‘cured’, I doubted there would be an overnight miracle.
So, once again, the recovery clock started all over again. I hadn’t healed from the first surgery, so I didn’t go into the second fusion as strong as I have been in the past. I know this recovery is going to take a long time. I can be a good patient, but I hate being dependent on people. I feel badly for inconveniencing my family.
Prepare for the worst, hope for the best
Just as I tried to prepare for COVID-19, I prepared for the possibility of a life with a dysfunctional foot. While home all of those weeks in the depths of my loneliness, I started looking for some sort of device or brace that would allow me to get back out on the trails some day.
I discovered an AFO (ankle foot orthosis) called the Turbomed Xtern. (Turbomed Xtern ) The people I tracked down who use this particular AFO swear they can hike and/or run while wearing it. My spirits were buoyed by the thought of being able to get out on some trails. I just wanted to be able to hike to some of my favorite locations in our area. I showed it to Steve and told him, “This AFO might let me get out on the trails again!”
I had my Turbomed Xtern waiting for me when my second surgery was finished.
I am still hoping to regain full function of my foot. I would love to get to the point where I can walk, hike, and maybe run without the AFO. However, the Xtern has given me the ability to do things I could not do prior to the second surgery. Whereas I struggled to walk a mile before, I can now cover 3-6 miles, depending on how I am feeling and what kind of terrain I am on.
I am very out of shape, but being able to walk is so good for my mental health. Hopefully at some point in the future, I will be able to hike our beautiful Colorado mountains again. My goal in life right now is to work on foot and back strength and mobility.
Life During ‘Quar’ Time
Between my surgery and the pandemic, I am now approaching 24 weeks of ‘quarantine’. During the 15 weeks in between surgeries, I felt forgotten and like the world was passing me by. Given my physical state, there was little I could do to stop it.
After my second surgery, the pandemic and quarantine changed everything as we knew it. I could see the toll it was taking on all of us just by looking at my social media feeds. As the number of infections and deaths climbed higher, photos of happy families doing puzzles and playing board games together were replaced by expressions of loss, fear, grief, anger, anxiety and loneliness. Since I had been home for 15 weeks prior to Colorado’s stay-at-home orders, I knew that even those whose lives were directly untouched by the virus would struggle with their emotions.
COVID-19 adds the extra layer of constant risk assessment. Weighing every single encounter with others in terms of potential harm is mentally exhausting.
As I went in for my second fusion, I was excited by the prospect of being able to get back out in the mountains. It had been so long and I ached to get back out there. But going back to a healthy body with a fully-functioning foot was not to be. Neither is returning to our pre-pandemic world…at least not yet.
I know is if I am ever to regain any of my pre-surgery strength (physical and emotional), I have to put the work in every single day. Lots of things are like that, including returning our lives to as close as ‘normal’ as possible. Just as I cannot make my foot move without a healthy nerve, we cannot keep our citizens healthy and return to economic strength without everyone putting the work in.
As for the loneliness….check in on your family and your friends. We need each other more than ever.
Dude, Where's My Pancreas? 