My husband and I have a good relationship. We communicate well, we enjoy each other’s company and we have fun together. We also put up with each other’s crap. Or, rather, he puts up with my crap and I truly appreciate the fact that he is willing to do that. In return, I always like to think he puts up with my ridiculousness because a) I make him laugh and b) because we have a lot of sex. He got the girl who was still a little nuts but who wanted to raise kids and go to sleep by 9 pm so the nuttiness could begin with 4 am runs instead. Woo Hoo. He’s a lucky guy.
In any event, every woman should bring an air of mystery to the bedroom….So the other night when P was at volleyball practice, Steve came home for a little ‘date’. As things were progressing, he asked what position I wanted and I whispered in his ear, “I would like to face Northeast. Maybe even North Northeast.” (Position, direction, whatever) He stopped and started looking around the room trying to orient himself to direction. See? He’s fun. Up for anything I suggest.
I have had three major surgeries in the last three years so I have worked this shit out perfectly. I knew exactly what I meant and I know he did, too, except that I threw a new term in there. Finally he was like, “Oh, OK, I get it. You mean the after-surgery position.” Yes, yes, yes, but I am trying to pretend it is something new and different to keep things FRESH and HOT and EXCITING because it has been almost SIX DAMNED WEEKS of this. So now it is NORTHEAST.
OK. Except pretty much right away I could tell northeast was not going to work for him.
Me: Would you like to change directions?
Him (trying to concentrate): No, no, this is good.
Me: I know it isn’t. Let’s do something else.
I pull away and set things up another way.
Him: Now we are south.
Me: NO WE ARE NOT SOUTH. THIS IS EAST!
Him: NO this is South. We are facing I-25.
Me: How could we have just been facing north-northeast, moved a little bit and now we are south?
Him: we are facing south. This is south.
Me: We are facing FUCKING EAST. Get a compass NOW.
This continues on to a full-blown argument about which direction we are facing during a sex act.
But it worked.
And I was correct.
And P has practice again tonight.