I have long prided myself on being a reliable person. If I say I am going to do something, I do it. Or rather that is how I always had been until cancer came along. I hope the people in my life can be patient with me over the remaining five months of chemo that lie ahead.
I am now seeing how I really just have no idea what side effects will hit me or when the side effects will come on with a vengeance. I am more tired than I have ever been in my life. I feel changes in my body from day to day and sometimes from hour to hour, and even minute to minute. I may feel “good enough” in the morning, only to find that by lunch time I am too tired to function. Nausea and other side effects sneak up on me when I least expect it.
I hate canceling or rescheduling plans. I hate disappointing my family. It pains me greatly to say, “I can’t because I don’t feel well or I am too tired”. I especially hate saying those words to my kids. I hate bailing on my friends. I don’t normally do any of those things. Please know that when I am unable to do something that I have planned on, I am so terribly sorry and it bothers me more than you can imagine. I don’t like being unreliable. I don’t like feeling like a flake. I want to honor my commitments and obligations so badly that I feel constantly worried about letting people down.
If I have to cancel or reschedule plans or say, “I am sorry but I just can’t do X right now”…please hang in there and don’t give up on me. I promise I will be back. I am trying hard to get better now so I can be the person I always have been.