The month leading up to the Bear Chase Trail Race 50 mile has been a difficult one. The last race that I ran, I had an altercation with a bike and ended up with a concussion, whiplash and a separated shoulder. It hurt too much to run a whole lot for a couple of weeks following that accident, so my running was sporadic and uninspired. I could not do core or lift weights because of the shoulder, head and neck pain. I had to really rest. I hate resting. Then, the week before the race, two things happened. On Monday, I was throwing up and sick from some bug that I had acquired. On Tuesday, my daughter, Riley’s friend passed away unexpectedly. My heart ached for her. I found myself consumed by her grief. Running suddenly seemed pointless.
I watched Riley grieve and did the best I could to comfort her. But this weekend was also her final high school homecoming. I wanted her to mourn her friend and keep him in her heart. But, I also wanted her to go on with her own life. She needed to go to homecoming and I needed to go run my race.
On race day, I woke up at 1:30 am with my stomach not feeling well again. I have had issues with reflux off and on since my surgery for my pancreas, and so I was feeling bloated, full, a little nauseous and I could not stop burping. Food was not at all appealing. This is not how you want to start a 50 mile race.
My husband, Stephen, was running the 50k. We packed up our stuff and were out the door by 4 am, so we could make it to Denver in time to board the race bus.
We got to the race with about 45 minutes to spare before the start of my race. The 50k started an hour later. We set up shop and chatted with some of the other runners. Finally, we lined up just prior to the gun going off at 6:30.
At 6:30 am, the 50 milers and 100kers were off. Right away, I knew I was off my game. A lot of times, I taper and go into a race feeling sluggish and stiff, but then am fine once I warm up. My hips were so tight that I could not run with my normal full range of motion. Add to that the fact that I felt full, bloated, flabby, weak and heavier than my normal racing weight, and it was a rather inauspicious beginning to a very long day of running. I really hoped that those feelings would pass.
The course is four 12.5 mile loops. Some people hate loops, and truthfully I think my favorite courses are out and back or point to point. However, the nice thing with loop courses is you do not need to carry much. I had a small water bottle and that was all I took. I knew there was plenty of aid on the course, and I could access one drop bag at the start/finish area. Traveling lightly is nice in a long race.
My reflux was in full swing, so I kept belching and feeling classy. Then, within the first mile, I had to pee. Badly. My hips were still not moving well. I could not run remotely fast. I was not feeling like myself. I started wondering if I was going to make it 50 miles.
Since I had to pee so badly, I started looking for a place to go. The course was set up slightly differently this year, so I was a little confused as to where we were. I saw that we were going to be headed up a very exposed Mt. Carbon shortly, so I pulled off into the trees quickly. Feeling extremely relieved, I hopped back on the course went up & over Mt. Carbon and soon had to pee again! I went on to pee three times in that first loop. Nothing seemed to be going well. Towards the end of the first loop, two other women and I went off course. After a couple of minutes, we saw another runner and figured out where we needed to be.
I saw Stephen as I was coming to the Boat Launch aid station! I got very excited because I was not having much fun. We ran together for a bit, thinking that we could maybe finish out his race together, but then the 50k and 50 mile courses split up again. It was fun while it lasted. I started wishing that we had decided to run the same race as a “date run” and that maybe I wasn’t really a competitive person any more. I also thought that while it was nice to have company, I would have DNFd had I kept chatting while running. I just did not have the energy for it.
I had not been able to get any food down and barely drank any water for the entire first loop. It is not good to get behind on eating and drinking so early in a long race, and I knew it. But I was afraid if I ate or drank, I would throw up. I started thinking about quitting the race somewhere early on in that first loop.
After a while, I ran into my friend Kathy, who was running her first 50k. We ran and chatted for a few minutes, but then eventually parted ways, too. My stomach took a turn for the worse as the heat cranked up. I had to stop and walk because I felt like I was going to throw up. If I started puking, I would have to drop. I was having an internal debate. The devil was on one shoulder telling me it was ok to quit. The angel on the side kept telling me, “You don’t quit. You are not a quitter. You have never DNF’d. Suck it up and find a way to finish.”
I kept thinking about quitting. Every mile, I tried to convince myself that it would be ok to drop. I could run three loops. The would be 37.5 miles and technically be an ultra, even if it wasn’t an official race distance. Who cares, anyway? 37.5 miles is a nice distance to run for fun.
After the third lap, I saw Ali Smith and asked her if she could find me some tums or rolaids or something to help settle my stomach. I grabbed a couple of gels and some salt pills, ate the tums that Angel Ali found for me, and headed back out.
It was hot and I was not heat acclimated. I have been running with Willy as early as possible because he gets hot quickly. As a consequence, I was not handling the heat well at all. I walked a lot of that third lap, especially the long section by the golf course, which has zero shade. I continued debating quitting. I had picked up my ipod at the start finish to help motivate me for the last two laps of the race. When I dumped water on my head, some of it must have gotten into the ipod. It kept stopping every couple of seconds. I would restart it. It would stop again. I debated throwing it into a drainage ditch. It was infuriating to me but I desperately needed something to take my mind off of the pain I was in.
At each aid station, I packed my bra with ice. I was suffering in the heat. I kept battling waves of nausea. I was afraid if I kept going that I would have to walk the entire final lap. I started trying to play mind games to try to convince myself that I could keep going. I told myself, “You only have 5 more miles to the start/finish. You can make it there. Then you only have to do one more loop!” While I generally feed off of my own internal happiness when I run, I was not feeling particularly happy. I told myself, “You know there are people who would love to see you fail. Don’t give them the satisfaction of throwing in the towel.” After a whole lot of internal dialogue, I found some motivation. I was able to start running again.
Eventually I made it to the start/finish area. I did not allow myself to think of quitting. I had no doubt that I would now finish the race. Steve had finished his 50k about an hour prior and was sitting in a chair, not feeling too well. He had made it to the final mile of race but then threw up four times. This was a bit of a setback, but he managed to finish in just under 6 hours. Ali Smith and RD Ben Reeves came over to help me get my stuff together for the final lap. Race Timer and friend Lonnie Somers of Hallucination Sports announced that I was second female in the 50 mile. I thought, “There is NO way.” But, this lit a fire under my behind. I had to suck up the discomfort and run as much as I could. I ran and caught up to Marianna, whom I had passed going into the start/finish, but who had passed me on the way out. She was ahead of me going up Mt Carbon, but I pulled ahead on the downhill. It was my goal to get as much distance on her as possible, because she had been strong and steady all day. Marianna inspired and motivated me, particularly over the last two laps.
I ran until the Fox Hill aid station, which marks the long exposed section by the golf course. Here I knew I would be mixing in walking and running until returning to the wooded section. My legs were cramping at this point. My ipod kept shutting itself off. I was frustrated but knew I would finish at this point. My goal was to just not get passed. I ran as much as i could and walked when I absolutely had to. I looked behind me to see where Marianna was, an instead saw a new woman behind me. Where the hell did SHE come from? I could not afford to goof off or walk unnecessarily.
About three miles from the finish, my glasses fell off my head and broke. The lens popped out. I briefly tried to fix it but knew that I couldn’t waste time on my glasses. I shoved the lens in my bra since I had no place else to keep it.
I kept moving forward and eventually came up on the finish line. My official time was 9:52, a PW on this course by far (PR is 8:39). But, I had made it. I was so incredibly relieved. I also held on to second place female overall. This was in many ways the hardest day I have ever had on a race course. I usually do not think about quitting. Instead, I spent the entire day thinking about quitting. I had to talk myself into finishing. It took me a while to find reasons to keep going, but I did and I am so glad. I would have been very upset with myself for dropping.
Why was this particular race so difficult? There are many reasons. Since finishing 2nd at the Bryce 100 in June, my training has been completely unfocused. I signed up for a high altitude mountain race and the Bear Chase. My training was not zeroed in one particular course or goal, so I was all over the place. My mental motivation was also somewhat lacking over the last few months, too. I never fully came out of 100 mile recovery mode. I need to drop a couple of pounds to get back to my fighting weight. Some of this was due to lack of discipline but some of it was due to the fact that I still don’t have my half-a-pancreas digestive system figured out. I was getting hypoglycemic, so I was eating more than normal to prevent myself from having scary bonks. I was not heat-trained. I did not taper properly. I ran more than I should have two weeks out, then the final week I ran very little due to my stomach issues and Riley’s friend’s passing. I have a typical protocol that I follow and I did not follow it at all this time around. I will be running the Denver Rock & Roll Half-Marathon with the Project Purple team, but I am going to take a couple of months to focus on recovery and fix all of the things that I did wrong this time around.
I may have run a Personal Worst, but I am so glad that I did not give up.