Uncertainty

I am betting that most of my readers lost a lot of sleep this week wondering if I signed up for the 100 or not. So, to end the suspense I will just say, no, I did not sign up.  The day after I wrote that blog post, I woke up early in the morning and decided I would look at other races. I cruised some of the ultrarunning calendars and came across another race that sounded beautiful and challenging. I got excited about this particular race in a way that I had not been feeling about the other race. The way I felt drawn to this race made me wonder if the other event just wasn’t “the one”. Maybe it wasn’t the distance I was uncertain about; maybe it was just that particular race. I almost registered right then and there for possibility #2, but I decided to give it a couple of days. There was no sense of urgency with this second race so I had time to ponder it a bit. I was very intrigued by the possibility of this other race, but thinking about the training involved just seemed daunting. Am I really up for the mileage and time commitment? What I decided is that I just needed to stop thinking about racing for at least a couple of weeks. I forbid myself from “race shopping”. I didn’t want to think about it or talk about it. I just wanted to give it time, to give myself time, to figure out what felt right.

I have never had this issue before. Every time I have signed up for a race, I have been both a little afraid and a lot excited. Right now I feel so uncertain about so many things. I have been through a lot this year, and I am worn out mentally and physically. Running was really hard again this week. I got my port out on Tuesday and have struggled the entire rest of the week with breathing and feeling like my legs are heavy and dead. Is it the anesthesia? Or is it that I am recovering still from running 50 miles four weeks ago? Or is it the trauma of surgery and chemo? Is it just the fact that I cannot seem to get a decent night of sleep? It is likely a combination of everything. I just know that Friday and Saturday, on what should have been very easy runs, I gasped for air and had to walk. Yesterday, I wondered aloud to Steve if maybe I shouldn’t have done chemotherapy. If I hadn’t, it would have been more of a gamble for recurrence, but maybe I wouldn’t feel so crappy right now. I hate to second guess decisions I made months ago, but I can’t help but wonder a little bit how things would look for me right now if I had chosen a different path. For now, I need more time to let my mind, body and soul recover. I am sure I will be racing something come next year, but first and foremost, I want to feel good again. Maybe Race #1 wasn’t “the one”. Maybe Race #2 is…or maybe it is not. Maybe I am just not ready to make a commitment. 

Finally, I want to give a shout out to a special lady I had the pleasure of meeting last weekend. Elli contacted me through my blog several months ago. Elli lost her beloved mother to pancreatic cancer. Elli runs races to raise money for Project Purple. Project Purple is a charity that raises money both for research as well as to help PC patients and their families defray some of the costs associated with this devastating cancer diagnosis. Elli was in Denver last weekend, so we met up for a couple of hours. It was such a gift to meet up with this lovely woman who understands all too well the destruction that comes along with a PC diagnosis. Once again, I am reminded how much good has come out of this crappy diagnosis. I have met some really fabulous people along the way.

You can find out more about Project Purple here:

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